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I jus' bin dahn the ol' rub-a-dub for a pokey alright sparrah do us a lemon John. Be comforted that I have neither succumbed to Dickvandykitis nor do I have any compulsion to "do the old bamboo" – a suspicious euphemism if ever I heard one. I am merely rejoicing in being told that I am 100% cockney, having successfully completed a painstakingly comprehensive study by the world authority known as The Internet, testing my cultural facility to speak incomprehensible bollocks. I am particularly pleased in being recognised as a genuine Lahndahn cockney since I'm from Yorkshire. Proper Lundunners who I know took the test came out with miserable results compared to mine.