We are presently living in an age of "artificial intelligence" -- but not how the companies selling "AI" would have you believe. According to Silicon Valley, machines are rapidly surpassing human performance on a variety of tasks from mundane, but well-defined and useful ones like automatic transcription to much vaguer skills like "reading comprehension" and "visual understanding." According to some, these skills even represent rapid progress toward "Artificial General Intelligence," or systems which are capable of learning new skills on their own. Given these grand and ultimately false claims, we need media coverage that holds tech companies to account. Far too often, what we get instead is breathless "gee whiz" reporting, even in venerable publications like The New York Times.