Wish you could read your former high school classmates' hot takes on tragic news stories, but don't have enough time in your day to finish every last egregiously misspelled 50,000-plus-word Facebook status? Well, boy oh boy, have I got an offer for you! Using my only two God-given gifts -- speed-reading and the ability not to punch laptop screens while consuming imbecilic think pieces -- I can read any Facebook status to completion and sum it up in a single, succinct thought. Consider it a highlight reel of your lowlife acquaintances.
Jul-8-2016, 21:35:37 GMT